Messages from the World Wide Web


Tue Nov 22 05:58:58 PM UTC 2022

Hello, Kitty... Welcome to your first day of training as my new pet and servant. Breakfast is every morning at 8:30 am EST. We will convene at that time if you are available. After breakfast, Master will begin his shift at work. Playtime will be between 12 PM EST and 1 PM EST. Depending on your availability, we will arrange for all manner of play, and you may request a particular manner of play if you so wish. At 5 PM EST, work will be over for the day, and Master will take you to his room, and you will obey his every command. When Master gives you an order, you are to respond in the affirmative with "yes master." At all times, if you understand a command you are given, you will respond with, "yes master." At the end of the day, if Kitty so desires, she can spend recreational time with Master before bed. She can choose to play a video game with him, chat with him over the phone, watch YouTube videos, or go for a walk outside. Otherwise, Kitty is free to enjoy her evening hours as she wishes. If you understand all of this, and you are ready to have a collar wrapped around your neck to become Master's kitty, please respond, "yes master."

- Anonymous


Mon Nov 21 07:55:52 PM UTC 2022

In Super Mario Galaxy 2 there is an enemy called the "Smeech" this enemy will normally run away from Mario, however if Mario is riding Yoshi then it will latch onto Yoshi's face and start kissing him until you shake him off. When I was a kid I used to let a Smeech latch onto Yoshi and then just sit there and watch the Smeech just French kiss the shit outta Yoshi. I would watch the Smeech go at it for upwards of an hour just staring at the Smeech just tongue fuck outta Yoshi's face. I couldn't fully comprehend this at the time but I thought it was so fucking hot. I wished that I could have been Yoshi in that situation and just willingly let a Smeech jump on and take full ownership over my face. Did anyone else have anything similar happen to them in their childhood?

- Anonymous


Mon Nov 21 07:53:40 PM UTC 2022

Don't get me wrong. I hate puppy farms and all that stuff but damn is it easier to just buy from a responsible breeder I have a dog at the moment but we tried to get a dog from a shelter before and it sucked ass They always like "this is cumsock, he can't be within a 7 mile radius of a sycamore tree and needs to bathe in a sheep's blood daily. If he very much hears a child he will bomb Venezuela and reastablish the USSR, his diet is is seven tonnes of dark matter and he drinks carbon monoxide" .... Man I should go to bed

- Anonymous


Mon Nov 21 03:35:06 PM UTC 2022

Roses are red 🌹 Violets are blue 💙 Faces like yours 🤡 Belong to the zoo 🦍 Don't be mad🤯 I will be there too☺ Not in a cage 🙅‍♀️ But laughing at you😈

- Harambe Forever


Fri Nov 18 07:49:33 PM UTC 2022

I was minding my own business going poopies in the stall at the long John silvers restroom. I was all alone until I heard the door to the restroom open. You walk in and then started banging on my stall door telling me my turds fucking stink and you could smell them all the way in the lobby where you and your family were eating. Well guess what. #1. They were NOT turds. I had fucking diarrhea Karen. Guess what? Fried fish and Tartar sauce upsets my tummy and yeah, there’s an odor when I’m farting diarrhea out of my ass. You didn’t even allow me to reply before storming out of the restroom. I’m posting this hoping you see it because I demand an apology. I ruined one of my favorite pair of panties that day at long John silvers and the last thing I needed was your bullshit. I clearly had my OWN shit to deal with. Now apologize!

- Long John Silvers


Fri Nov 18 07:31:36 PM UTC 2022

Stop being shy 🙈 if you like me 😝just say that shit☝️ i prolly like yo cute ass too 🤷🏿‍♂️😉 FYATB 🗣️

- Anonymous


Mon Nov 14 05:21:18 AM UTC 2022

If Elon Musk takes over Twitter and brings Donald Trump back, I will be leaving this country. I got my passport last week when I heard he might buy Twitter. Instead I’ll be moving to A CIVILIZED COUNTRY, the gorgeous TANZANIA ! So long, America! You’ve just lost a citizen.

- Anonymous


Mon Nov 14 05:18:53 AM UTC 2022

This is Kevin's mom. I have taken control of all his Reddit accounts and he will not be getting them back. In addition, I will also be deleting this account and reporting all of you to the authorities. This is not the son I raised. I raised my son to be respectful of other women and to be a good Feminist. The Internet has ruined him, and he now refers to himself as a "Shitlord". You guys did this to him and I am putting an end to it. If he refuses to live a worthwhile life, then I will live his life for him. Goodbye, and I hope your parents are as disappointed in you as I am disappointed in my son.

- Anonymous


Thu Nov 10 11:34:34 AM UTC 2022

My family poops big. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won’t flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out “hey, can you get me the poop knife”? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It’s been a day or two between poops and I’m over at my friend’s house. My friend was the local dealer and always had ‘guests’ over, because you can’t buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it’s a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. “My what?” Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. “Wtf is a poop knife?” Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn’t cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.

- Anonymous


Tue Nov 08 04:25:38 AM UTC 2022

Now I got a message for all you liberals out there. You want my gun? My firearm?! Come take it from me. Just walk through my door! Come into my home, and take it from me! With your weak, soft... liberal, girlish hands... Just try to put those hands on me! Those soft liberal hands... Put them on me! On my body! Just slowly... gently... dragging your fingers up and down my arm giving me goosebumps. You want my gun?! Come kiss me for it! But not like right away, don't be too obvious with it. Let's do that thing where we- our faces get close to each other and you know what's gonna happen it's just a matter of time you just stare at each others lips but you're waiting for the right signal to give yourself over to them completely, like in a Walk To Remember... Come do that for my gun! Bite my lip and play with my hair... for my firearm! If you want my gun, come spank me for it! Not like-Not like too hard.. but like like.. still hard, you know? Li-Like-Like hurt me but make me feel safe at the same time. You pussy liberals!

- Anonymous