Swagg::Net::Guestbook

I'm Harambe, and this is my zoo enclosure. I work here with my zoo keeper and my friend, cecil the lion. Everything in here has a story and a price. One thing I've learned after 21 years - you never know WHO is gonna come over that fence.

Are you serious? Can't be, you just can't be. You absolutely must be trolling, or out of you're mind. Are we even in the same universe? Or of the same species? I accept that individuals can interpret situations in different ways, but this is so far out of the realm of logic and common sense that it baffles me we can even inhabit a common space of thought. Way to go, bud, you've truly brought upon us an entity that's going to burn us through to the core of our very souls.

WARNING !!!!! If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your tits DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR TITS. This is a scam and he is only trying to SEE YOUR TITS. Please warn others that their tits may be at risk.

I doubt it's suicide or even duocide. Me and my buddy Jay used to do something similar to this all the time. We'd rope each other up neck-wise, loop the rope over a pulley wheel in his dad's garage and then hop up and down, alternating who goes up with a grippy choker and who comes down with a woozy plop. I know what you're thinking, "Hey buddy, wouldn't the boths of yuhs be being choked no matters which-a ya's was up or downs? By the way, I'm a dumbass." Right you are, dumbass. And that was the point. It's like a rollercoasty up and downy chokey swingy fun time, and if we were starting to brown out, then we'd both just stand up straight and go butt-to-butt. That'd keep enough slack in the rope to oxygeniate our thrill brains. We did this after school almost every day for hours, and I must say we were pretty good at it. It really made my days a dull blur in all the right ways. Plus, both our necks became incredible strong. It takes quite a lot of effort for sexual partners to choke us out, quite a lot indeed. None ever have for me, and I reckon none ever will. Well, Jay probably can do it, but we're not and never will be sexual partners because we both agreed that we're just not gay enough. Hey, maybe one day we'll get there, though. All I know is that we maintain our chokey teeter tottering to this day, doing a pull and plop every weekend, and there's no doubt in my mind I'm a better man because of it.

Today, we're gonna be counting down the Top Ten Numbers of all time! Starting us off at Number 10, it's Number 7. And at Number 9 it's none other than Number 8. Now speaking of Number 8, Number 8 is Number 6. And at Number 7, it is of course, Number 9. But 9 in 7 and 7 in 10 need to look out because up next it's Number 6 with Number 5. Quick recap, because Number 9 was Number 8 which you'll need to know for the context of this next Number because it's Number 5 for Number 4, and in Number 4 it's Number 2 but Number 3 this year is also Number 5. That's right folks! Ladies and gentlemen, we have two Number 5's. At Number 6 and Number 3, three must suck ass because it couldn't even make it into the top ten. And at Number 2, it's Number 1. So close Number 1 but there can only be one Number 1 and that one Number at Number 1 is Number 5!

I turn on my PC. The local wildlife are immediately sterilised by the excessive output from my four exposed nuclear reactors running at a critically risky heat output. The sound of 10,000 cooling fans deafens the city’s morning traffic as my warehouse of 500 parallel-chained AMD Razer Threadrippers bursts into life, forming the equivalent processing power of 2015 in one room. Nearby, my cluster of Nvidia 5090 Test Cards begins to warp the local time continuum as they calculate answers man was never meant to know. Very gently, I open Microsoft Teams. Instantly, the already deafening noise of fans increases to a murderous wail as they try to keep my equipment at operating temperatures. A nuclear reactors’ fusion catches up with its cooling and explodes destroying the lives of millions. The floor begins to melt away as my processors over clocked ten-fold reach critical mass and descend directly into hell. My Nvidia cluster collapses into a singularity and begins to devour the planet. Quickly now, I open a text chat, it’s a bit laggy. The sheer struggle of loading some text destroys the remaining systems. Me and my equipment are deleted from reality by an unknown overseer. Humanity is not ready for instant messaging

IM DELETING YOU, DADDY!😭👋 ██]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] 10% complete..... ████]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] 35% complete.... ███████]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] 60% complete.... ███████████] 99% complete..... 🚫ERROR!🚫 💯True💯 Daddies are irreplaceable 💖I could never delete you Daddy!💖 Send this to ten other 👪Daddies👪 who give you 💦cummies💦 Or never get called ☁️squishy☁️ again❌❌😬😬❌❌ If you get 0 Back: no cummies for you 🚫🚫👿 3 back: you're squishy☁️💦 5 back: you're daddy's kitten😽👼💦 10+ back: Daddy😛😛💕💕💦👅👅

I asked a guy if he knew about Pokémon today, and he proceed to list off all of the 151 original Pokémon. I smirked "That's it? Ha! gen wunner" Instantly all of the air was sucked out of his lungs. I laughed, and proceeded to name all 802 Pokemon, what levels they evolve at, when they learn all of their moves, what all of the moves do, every Pokédex entry and their current most meta smogon build. With every new fact his body decomposed at a faster and faster rate, until he was nothing more than a pound of dirt. But I was not feeling merciful that day. I used a max revive on him, and proceeded to cause every one of not only his bones, but everyone within 18 generations of him's bones to dissolve into a fine powder (including mine) He begged me to stop but I kept going. I recounted every piece of rule 34 Pokemon art to date, along with its exact time of creation and what specific fetishes it appeals to, no matter how niche. I then proceeded to jerk off to each and every one right there in front of him. So yeah I guess you could say I'm a Pokémon master. 😎

Many people always ask me how I was able to get into Harvard as a 16 year old who skipped 3 grades of high school. They think I got in because of my scholarly records, but no the key is the interview. As I sat in the Harvard Dean's office in front of the board of reviewers for my application, the Dean asks me "Why should you be a good candidate for this school?" They seemed bored but I replied "Well I was born a child prodigy, placed 1st in my state spelling bee for three consecutive years, I can speak eight different languages not counting Latin, play four different instruments, I skipped grades 4 through 6, and graduated my high school as valedictorian at the age of 14. I then worked as an intern at both Telsa, and NASA." Suddenly the room burst into laughter and many of board instantly started scribbling down "No" near the application check marks. The Dean says "Sorry but you are just not the type we are looking for." But then I said "Excuse me but I wasn't finished... I watch Rick and Morty" The Dean looked at me like an idiot and said "So....?" Then I replied with a smile "And I understand all the references and subtle jokes" An audible gasp let out by the board was so loud the secretary had to come in. You could hear a pin drop and then suddenly all at once the entire board clicked their pens on the "Approved Box" and I was instantly handed a diploma and now I'm teaching advanced physicals there. I guess you can say I'm pretty smart. :)

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