Messages from the World Wide Web


Wed Jan 19 07:38:35 PM UTC 2022

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.

- Anonymous (Homepage)


Mon Jan 17 10:54:35 PM UTC 2022

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

- Anonymous


Mon Jan 17 04:27:01 AM UTC 2022

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in guerilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

- Navy SEAL (Homepage)


Sun Jan 16 05:23:59 AM UTC 2022

Did you really just tell me to alt f4? That’s funny man. Unfortunately for you, I’m pretty much a tech wizard. I know more about computers than you ever will, and I’m only in middle school lol! You’re probably shaking in your NON-GAMING chair. Do you even know what SSD means lol? Go watch some Linus Tech Tips, and get back to me when you’ve acquired 1% of my nearly infinite knowledge.

- Anonymous


Sun Jan 16 01:19:35 AM UTC 2022

I dropped my dang phone and the shit broke and i had to pay some moeney after waiting for an update that was only 200MB o well.

- El Mooooolloooooooo


Wed Jan 12 06:39:57 PM UTC 2022

Is it bad that I only poop once a week??? I've been like this for years and I'm too afraid to bring it up to my doctor. I will literally only poop like once a week, sometimes I'll even go once every week and a half. When I finally do take a shit it's not painful or hard and it's not a lot of poop???

- Anonymous


Wed Jan 12 04:57:20 PM UTC 2022

M'aiq does not remember his childhood, perhaps he never had one.

- M'aiq


Wed Jan 12 03:22:51 AM UTC 2022

Hewweo how are you dear?

- AnonyHewwomous (Homepage)


Wed Jan 12 02:43:26 AM UTC 2022

All this green makes me feel like cipher

- Antonio


Wed Jan 12 02:39:16 AM UTC 2022

Hello I’m Mike Lindell, inventor of the world’s most comfortable pillow: My Pillow. We all have the same problems sleeping at night: our pillows go flat. We end up folding our pillows over for support, using our arms, flip flopping all night long like a guppy; we wake up in the morning: we have sore necks, we have headaches, our arms are asleep, we feel like we need a nap in the afternoon even though we’ve slept 8 hours. Well with MY Patented Fill, wherever you move this Pillow, it will hold the exact position for you as an individual, and you will get the best night’s sleep of your life! It also stays cool: you don’t have to flip it to the cool side; it stays healthy for a full ten years and its warrantied not to go flat. AND you can throw it right in the washer and dryer just like your favorite blue jeans, and I personally guarantee its gonna to be the most comfortable pillow you will ever own…

- Mike Lindell (Homepage)